you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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