i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
