I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
