it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
