yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
