I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
