in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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