This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
