The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
