my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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