dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
