Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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