i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
