I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
