I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
