I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
