watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my being single is dangerous.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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