No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
