I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
