i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
