You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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