It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
