How drunk are you??
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.