I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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