I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
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I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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