its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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