I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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