I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
