Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
