hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
zippers are such a cool invention
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
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He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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