There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
