Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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