I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
