I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
