Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
