I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I made him laugh his dick is mine
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
