remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
