Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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