so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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