That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
