I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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