I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
