stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
