Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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