Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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