saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
