walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
