He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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