I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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