I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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