Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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