That's when you crack a 10am beer
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
