So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
