I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
