you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
