Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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