That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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