Banned from zoo.
Again?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Someone came in the potted fern
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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