So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
